A the Comedian

How to deal with bullies and other 3rd grade issues. My name is A. Some people call me Ah. Whatever. At this point I don't really care. I sometimes call myself Ali G. I'm told it's an alter ego thing. I don't really know what that means either. I need Lemony Snickettes to do the explaining for me.

I started school with 24 pencils and 5 big erasers. It's March and I'm negative 52 pencils. I think there's a pencil monster in the ceiling.

There's two kinds of bullies. The kind that demands your lunch money and the kind that does things like "the look". Lunch money bullies don't exist at my school. There's a "no bully" policy. However, "the look" kind is only borderline bullying. The look kind does other things. Like I'll get up from my chair to throw a used and snotty tissue in the garbage and "the look" bully will take my chair. I know this is going to happen. So I fart in the chair before I get up. When I get back I mention to her that "I was sitting there." She says "too bad". I'm not sure if I should let her know that I farted in the chair.

I don't really like the way the teachers treat us in school. When we do something well, they say "good girl". "Here's a treat. Go take a ticket". Really?

Did you ever listen to what teachers say to each other? I would think they would share new teaching methods. "The best way to teach multiplication is to spend all day lining all the student up in 5 lines of 6. But no. They discuss the merits of permanent eyeliner.

Comedy is, as we have said, an imitation of characters of a lower type- not, however, in the full sense of the word bad, the ludicrous being merely a subdivision of the ugly. It consists in some defect or ugliness which is not painful or destructive. To take an obvious example, the comic mask is ugly and distorted, but does not imply pain.*